RHODE ISLAND (RPT) - Professors around the country have been lamenting the constant flow of emails that has continued unmitigated, even as the apocalypse is going on around them. “It’s the goddamn apocalypse! Can’t I get a break from email for just one day?” one professor at a prominent university implored when RPT asked them for comment. He continued, “University administrators are sending me emails just to remind me to check my email for updates and to remind me that they are ‘monitoring this situation closely.’ How can they possibly be monitoring the situation closely when they are sending me emails every 3 minutes?”
“Why can’t all the email servers go down?” One professor lamented. “Then I would actually have the time to go buy some supplies before there’s nothing left except Peter Pan peanut butter and assorted useless condiments.” Another professor noted, “This apocalpyse would be so much better if I could just focus on revising that paper I’ve had under review for the last 2 years.”
University administrators have expressed different feelings about email. “We feel that maintaining communication with faculty is of the utmost importance during these troubling times,” explained a University Provost over a videocall with RPT yesterday. “It is important in this time of uncertainty that we maintain some sense of normalcy, so we are committed to continuing to send incessant emails to faculty, especially since we haven’t been able to reinstate unnecessary meetings yet because none of us can figure out how to use this newfangled video conference software for a group call,” he noted while inadvertently sending poop emojis to RPT via the chat feature, “Do you know what this button does that has the little --- ” After the call abruptly ended, RPT was unable to reach the Provost to complete the interview. Today the University Provost was reported missing after an altercation with the Vice Provost involving a multitool.