LOS ANGELES (RPT) – With the majority population in self-isolation because of new social distancing policies during the growing COVID19 pandemic, professors are rejoicing that people are finally leaving them alone. “This is the best excuse ever to just hole up in my office and tell everyone to fuck off,” one professor told RPT, “now fuck off,” he added.
Self-isolation is a lifestyle many professors have embraced for their entire careers. “I have been hoarding non-perishable food items in my office since 1997,” said a prominent academic who is currently living in his office. RPT inquired about whether he also keeps bottled water in his office, “No,” he replied, “but I have no problem drinking leftover coffee that’s been sitting around in the coffee maker forever. I can survive on that shit for weeks. Been there, done that.” RPT spoke to another professor in this same building who is also living at the office about whether she has sufficient supplies, “I’ve been running studies for years and not writing them up,” she told RPT, “I’ve got enough data stockpiled to sustain me indefinitely.” She added, “I’ve actually been making progress on analyzing my data because for some strange reason nobody has been bothering me the last two weeks. Makes me wonder if there’s something going on in the outside world that I should be paying attention to.”
“Those professors haven’t left their offices since October of 2012 when there was fire in the east wing,” reported a janitor who has worked in the building for 19 years, “Now they’re hunkered down in there claiming that they have essential functions that require them to be in the office while everyone else is home. Essential functions, my ass! Truth is they don’t remember where they live anymore, and some of them - their families changed the locks or moved away so they couldn’t go home anyway if they wanted to.” RPT contacted a university administrator to ask whether they approve of professors who are continuing to live in their offices during the pandemic, “they avoid human contact at all costs,” the administrator told RPT, “I haven’t seen any of them since that university-wide professor meeting in 2008 where we served delicious non-perishable canapes. They’re not a threat to anyone but themselves.”