BOSTON (RPT) – Professors at universities around the world are showing up to health centers reporting that they have symptoms of COVID19 infection, but upon repeated testing are found to be negative. Representatives from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) told RPT reporters that the symptoms professors have been reporting include chronic fatigue, shortness of breath, and an unshakeable sense of impending doom.
RPT correspondents caught up with a CDC official who claims that repeated testing of professors reporting symptoms vaguely similar to those associated with COVID19 represents a serious public health problem. “They have to stop going to get tested so often,” she told RPT reporters. “Professors are chewing through our test kit stock with their generalized anxiety and vaguely alarming symptoms.” When asked what advice she had for professors mistakenly believing they contracted the virus, she replied, “Lay off the caffeine and get some fucking sleep.”