LOS ANGELES (RPT) - Professors and university administrators have been constructing a wall around academia to keep lecturers, highly skilled postdocs and adjunct faculty out of the inner sanctum of academia. However, according to whistle-blowers, they are employing lecturers, postdocs and adjuncts to guard the construction site of this Ivory Tower Wall. According to the report, thousands of armed postdocs were smuggled in to help shore up border protection around the Ivory Tower Wall and to guard the sites that are under repair.
The Ivory Tower Wall has been in construction for several centuries, tracing back to the origins of academia in Plato’s school of philosophy founded in 385 BC. “Plato was skeptical about starting the construction of the Ivory Tower Wall at first,” a professor of classics told RPT, “but as soon as his trainees pointed out that there were a number of junior philosophers coming up with really dope allegories, he gave the go ahead to start construction.”
Despite the fact that this Ivory Tower Wall is supposed to be “impenetrable,” it has been repeatedly breached by postdocs, and even occasionally lecturers and adjunct faculty. These breaches have required extensive repairs to restore the structural integrity of the Ivory Tower Wall. “It’s been a problem for a long time and it’s getting worse,” a white-haired and kindly semi-deceased Regents Professor told RPT, “lots of people have been getting in who don’t understand that whole the point of academia is to protect our positions of privilege within it. We definitely need better border security.” The Professor then proceeded to show the RPT correspondent his shirt featuring the slogan, “Make Academia Geriatric Again.”