Academics Stockpile Ideas in Shadow of Looming Pandemic Threat

BOSTON (RPT) - As fears of a looming pandemic grow among academics, the hoarding of research ideas and data is increasing at an alarming rate. “I’ve always hoarded my ideas,” a prominent researcher told RPT, “There are only so many ideas to go around, and with this coming crisis the scarcity of good research topics is only going to increase.”

In addition to hoarding ideas, academics have also been investing significantly in their defensiveness. “I don’t want anybody attacking my ideas at a time like this; I’m also telling my graduate students to be on guard and preemptively attack anyone whose research program is veering dangerously close to ours,” one researcher told RPT. Another academic who was asked to comment threatened RPT, “Don’t you fucking question me.”

Many academics have pointed out that their profession makes them naturally well suited for dealing with catastrophes and apocalyptic scenarios. “I’ve been hoarding my ideas and data for decades. I have enough ideas stockpiled to last for years under this kind of threat,” said a researcher who asked to remain anonymous because of fears that her lab might be raided if her colleagues learn about her massive stockpile. “Prepping comes naturally to us,” another professor told RPT at a recent academic meeting, “I mean here we are in the speaker prep room taking headshots, who could be more ready for a disaster than we are?”

An RPT correspondent spoke to a disaster preparedness specialist at FEMA, “Those guys are fucked,” he commented. “All the ad hominem attacks in the world won’t save you in a real disaster.”