INTERWEB (RPT) - Academic cryptocurrencies, including CollegeCoin, UniCash and TenureToken, have plummeted as investors have been questioning the underlying value of college education and the academic enterprise as a whole. When CollegeCoin first made its debut, it was an affordable option for people looking to invest in their futures, but it soon became largely unaffordable. “When the price of CollegeCoin went up past $40,000, I knew there was something wrong with the way we were valuing a college education, but I figured if everybody else was willing to pay that much for it I should buy as much as I can,” a cryptocurrency investor told RPT.
“The problem is you can’t actually use it to buy anything,” an academic crypto expert told RTP, “it just doesn’t translate into real world value.” Many businesses and employers no longer accept CollegeCoin because “people trying to use them are much more likely to be entitled pricks.”
Most businesses are also reluctant to accept UniCash, believing it to be a unicorn-based currency, and thus completely imaginary. However, crypto experts Lindsey Lohan and Elon Musk maintain that unicorns do exist, but that if you don’t believe in them they will die. The price of UniCash is expected to remain high because purchasing it is the only way of virtue signaling that you are not a unicorn murder.
The value of the academic cryptocurrency TenureToken - used mostly within academic departments as a way to assess whether professors should be given promotions and raises - is also declining. This comes as a result of growing doubt about whether there is any value to all the bullshit professors have to do to accumulate TenureTokens in their departments. Investors are also worried that the academic enterprise may be a vast pyramid scheme that exploits the labor of underpaid graduate students and post-docs who work under the mistaken impression that they too may one day be able to achieve tenure. “I don’t know whether it’s even possible to get tenure anymore,” said one assistant professor, “but who gives a fuck; I’m making bank selling my authentic powerpoint slides as NFT cryptocollectibles on OpenSea.”